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Effects of Divorce - Guilt and Disappointment

When you get divorced, the last thing on your mind are the effects of divorce on the long term. You just want to get out as soon as possible, maybe you have another partner already, maybe you're just sick of it and have had enough. Even although my divorce was a pretty easy one, I only recently started to see what the long term effects of divorce are; not only on children, but also on adults. In this article I will focus on the effects of divorce on our own emotions, feelings, thoughts and effectiveness to create a happy and stable family life.

I always thought that I at least had not suffered a lot from the divorce. My daughter obviously misses her father, especially because he lives far away, but for me, I thought that I was over it altogether. Last week, however, I suddenly came upon a deep rooted feeling of guilt I discovered in myself. When I started to recognize the sensation in my body, I started sensing it more and more often, and I see that I am feeling guilty actually quite often.

Guilt is a weird emotion. I never thought that I would feel guilty about things which are not my fault. And actually, there is very little which is my fault. Yes, I made my mistakes, but then, who doesn't? I am fine as I am, no need to change me! And still, apparently, there is this feeling of guilt smoldering somewhere in the abyss of my subconscious mind...

I felt it yesterday, when I talked with my husband about a mistake I made a year ago. I felt it last week, when I talked with my Dad on the phone, and he told about my Mom's troubles of the moment. I felt it last weekend, when I spoke to my brother about his little boy having trouble at school...

What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire... Am I feeling disappointed about myself?

If you know the feeling of guilt, you probably also know the feeling of disappointment as well. In your and my case, I think that those two feelings are very much inter-related. I know that I am prone to feel guilty, when I have the feeling that I should do or be better at that moment. When I use some examples of this last week, I feel that I should not have made that mistake I made in that moment, now more than a year ago. I should have known better, I should have been wiser, I should have been less egoistic and more concerned with the others involved. When I talk to my Dad, I feel that I should be around more, maybe even move to the little town they live in, so that I can help out more often, buy the groceries, cook for them when Mom has a bad day... When I talk to my brother, and he tells about his little one having trouble at school, I feel that I should not have taken my daughter with me when I moved, so that the children could play more often, and maybe even go to the same school, so they can support each other.

The Buddha says: 'All disappointment is rooted in expectations'.

Guilt and disappointment are somehow related. I feel that if I am not having high expectations as to my own behavior under certain circumstances, I am also less prone to be disappointed when I don't behave up to my own standards. The resulting feelings of guilt then also do not appear. Sometimes it are other people having high expectations, and even more often, we THINK that they have certain expectations (which we will never meet), and in reality they do not even think like that....

One of the nastier effects of divorce is, that we often learned to close ourselves down to negative feelings and emotions. As soon as we start to be aware of the link between the emotion and the body sensation - like pain or discomfort - we are on the road to uncover these hidden feelings and we can start to master our emotions again.

The second step... You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And even more, you have no obligation to be perfect. You should not even try to be perfect! You are OK, just as you are. Your past is your past, you took decisions which you would not take today, but then, you did not know then what you know today. Forgive your mistakes, and tell yourself that at least you learned from them.

Step three... If you forgive yourself, you will also be much more lenient towards others. Your relationship with the world around you will look so much easier and better the moment you start doing this.

Step four wraps it up: I am more effective in my relationships, I am more pleasant, loving, caring to all people that matter. The chance that I make big mistakes like the ones I used to feel guilty about, gets much smaller because of my new way of acting, feeling and thinking!

Article Source: http://free-article-depot.com

Charlotte Kamman helps blended families to be great as a happy, healthy, safe base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often nasty, and yet many stepparents do not expect them to be so bad. Instead of blaming the children, start making the chance to need now!

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